(It was more like this if you ask me > >
. Nope, definitely this
(Also, this is basically me venting out some frustration, making a confession, and stuff...)
My Winter Break didn't start as grand as I hoped. Last Saturday I gathered the courage to ask a person out. This guy was a friend of mine since high school. We've been like partners, helping each other out with stories and drawings, and other stuff. I always had feelings for him, but I was too nervous to ask in the past, because of some... problems. That night, when everything was supposed to be fun, I asked, if he was interested in dating, and he turned me down. He turned me down in a kind way, by staying beside me, no matter how much I cried on his shoulder. Though despite his kindness, I wanted to hit him, hard
. I wanted to call him a "jerk" or an "Asshole," maybe both. But, I just couldn't stop with the tears (pathetic, right?). I went home crying my eyes out, sleeping in and asking myself, "Where did I go wrong?", "What could I had done right?", "Whats wrong with me?" and "Why?"
After this, I began to look back into my past, and see what kind of life I had lived. Denied of getting what I wished, only to see others have it. Forced to see friends and families achieve goals that I wanted to fulfill. I can recall many times, when I had to break a bone or two, just to get the world to look at me, while others just have to show up, and it would seem like the world would applaud them, and reward them for their hard work, silver platter and all. For instance, I had been a shadow to two of my family members: my older brother and my younger cousin. I do love them a lot. However, I realized no matter how hard I struggled, no matter how many fights I had to punch through, I would never get the recognition they had. I would never live up to their level. I was forever branded, ".....'s sister" or "......'s cousin" by common strangers. No one even knew my name.
Then there are my friends. As much as I love them, I can't stop envying them for what I've mentioned above. I know, everyone keep saying "stop comparing yourself to others" or "they had it rough too, y'know" or "Just be patient, your good luck will eventually happen." It makes me sick to hear those words fall to me again, and again, and again. I have tried my damnest to not worry about others, and think about myself, but where has that gotten me? Where has "kindness" and "patience" given me? Nothing, but heart break, misery and more self-loathing. I am stuck in the corner, being everyone's damn shadow, and never having a voice to call my own. I am tired of it all, being nice all the time, and never be rewarded, or acknowledge for it. When i try to be nice, my own paranoia keeps getting the better of me by proving me wrong. When will it be my turn, when the cosmos decides to stop sh*ting on me? When I'm 50? 70? Dead? Who knows. All I know is that being kind has given me misfortune. So I wonder, what happens when I become the opposite?
A writer once quoted, "The world will end with not a bang, but a whimper." If you ask me, that's how my "world" went after that night...